As we speak, I’m sitting in a hospital room with my daughter, waiting for her to poop out a camera implanted yesterday. Yes, a camera in her poop. This was one of many out-of-the-box tests she has endured over the last few weeks.
It’s been three weeks since she became a “medical mystery.” So, here we are, living in the hospital (after being admitted for the second time) until we figure something out. I miss my bed and my shower, and my coffee maker. She misses normalcy and school...and her fur babies at home, who miss her back terribly.
Managing your thoughts and emotions when your world has been turned upside down is a huge challenge. I’m going, to be honest. I’m not sure if I have figured out what that looks like for me. Today was unusually frustrating as I tried to work, talk to a gazillion doctors, figure out how I’ll get home to pack more underwear, and… look for a camera in the toilet.
Honey, life was already lifing before all this! I’ve prayed a lot, but I’ve also cried a lot when no one is looking while simultaneously telling everyone that I’m ok and don’t need anything. Today I decided that how I’m feeling is human and that the only pressure I’m feeling is what I’ve put on myself. I don’t have to be in constant movement, and it is ok if I need to take it slow or sit still long enough to gather myself. It’s ok if the phone needs to go on DND for a few hours because questions are SUPER overwhelming, especially when you have no updates or answers.
Today I decided to rest in the things that bring me peace and clarity - prayer, writing…, and Starbucks. I want to share this experience with you all not to complain but to make sure you know that during challenging times, silent seasons, and waiting, it is ok to be still and catch up.
Even if you feel like God isn’t hearing you or that you’re alone this season, He is moving and orchestrating behind the scenes. Nothing catches Him by surprise. Sometimes your act of faith looks like doing nothing at all or giving yourself grace when you can’t seem to pull it together. Release yourself of the unrealistic expectations of handling an upset calmly while still being superwoman (or man). Who told you that you couldn’t fall apart a little or miss some work or cry…or run out of underwear?
Embrace the ugly in whatever way works for you. Eventually, you’ll find the “camera in the poo.”